Monday, November 3, 2014

On Exhaustion and Burning Out

Okay, fun stuff first and then the think-y things.  Because I obviously have nothing better to do than write really thoughtful blog posts.  Like I said last week, (or the week before that... I don’t actually remember) I am the queen of procrastination.  So today, you get an examination of my brain.  Because that sounds fun, right? :P

Anywho, fun things first.  Halloween was last Friday, which means yours truly turned 22.  I worked (either in lab or at desk) for 17 of the 25 hours that made up my birthday (I stayed up until 1 am on November 1st) and the other 8 hours were spent either sleeping or chatting with family on the phone while I threw together some dinner.  Never let it be said that I don’t know how to have a good time. :P

Saturday was something of a long day as well.  I went shopping for Apple Bake supplies in the morning (more on that to come).  The afternoon was spent largely pretending that I didn’t have any work to do, which tends to be how Saturday afternoons are spent.  In the evening, my friends and I went to Boo’s Cruise.  Boo’s Cruise is an MIT tradition where the senior class rents out a boat (The Spirit of Boston) and takes it out into the harbor for drinking (booze, haha, we’re so punny!) and dancing.  Unfortunately, the weather prevented the boat from actually leaving the dock this year, so I have yet to venture out onto the Harbor at any point in my college career.  Perhaps I’ll do so over a long weekend at some point in the next several months.

Sunday was also long (to be honest, I’m a bit surprised I can actually tell you what days things are on, because they were all long and sort of blurred together).  Apple Bake was on Sunday, and it was as enjoyable as always.  I made two dishes this year, which was substantially fewer than in years past.  I was trying to simultaneously run around making sure we had enough ingredients, and deal with some unrelated errands, on top of trying to make sure that the floor picked up the appropriate ingredients so that we didn’t run out of things randomly in the middle of the day.  As a result, I think two was about as many as I could handle.  And it turned out for the best, since one of my dishes won 3rd place in the “Appletizer (Meat)” category.  For those interested, the dish was Mac and Cheese with Ham and Apples (recipe to follow (I know you’ve been waiting for that one Dad!)).  Overall, the floor did very well- we earned back all that we spent on ingredients in prize money (plus a little bit of extra) and we placed second out of all the floors that participated.  Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Alrighty... that sums up the fun things, I think.  So, then, on to the weighty stuff.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between exhaustion and being burnt out.  The distinction is, I think, an important one.  Last year, at about this time, I wrote a post about how I was struggling with a particular protocol, largely because every time I tried to make it work, the results were extremely error-filled, despite my best efforts.  At the end of last semester, after trying to make this protocol work over countless weeks, to no avail, I was burnt out.  The only thing I really wanted to do was curl up at home (real home, not Burton Conner home) in one of my family’s pink armchairs, and read a book that had absolutely nothing to do with science.  I think, at that point, that I would have been quite happy to never look at that protocol again.  I’m still fairly sure that if I were asked to run the protocol, I would do so, but it would be with a significant amount of trepidation. 

For me, burning out is characterized by the desire to take about five steps back for a while, and just never look at what I was working on again.  The combination of that horrible protocol and my classes (which were still all bioengineering-y, and thus very math-heavy) lead me to a place that wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but was certainly not where I wanted to be.  It was a bit like walking around in a haze, and just not really caring, I guess.  I didn’t want to go to lab, because that meant I would have to run the hated protocol.  

If you’ve heard me talk about lab, you probably know how significant that last statement was...  I love lab.  If I’m being completely honest, lab is probably the place that I feel most comfortable these days.  Which is good, since I’m probably there more than I’m awake at home (Burton Conner home, not real home. Although also technically real home, since I’m generally not even in the same state as real home.  I digress).

In contrast, there have been a lot of times in the past several weeks when I was completely exhausted, but not at all burnt out.  I’m tired, and I wish that my work would do itself, and I really wish there were about 500 more hours in each day, and 500 more days in the semester on top of that.  But I’m still excited about lab.  I still go into work everyday, mildly dreading working with the 40 plates of cells that I’m growing, but excited for the results that I know will come out of those plates.  When the DNA was stuck in the wells of my gels, I was so, so frustrated.  But I was still excited to go in to lab and try to figure out the problem. 

There were days this summer (after I was done with the evil protocol) when I did nothing but complain about lab.  There are still days when I do nothing but complain about lab.  But I’m still excited about it, which is a definite juxtaposition.  For me, the excitement is the part that tells me I’m not burnt out yet.  My grad student told me to come in late one day last week, and I was more grumpy about the fact that it meant I had less time to work than I was happy about the fact that I got to sleep in for an hour.  It’s possible that I have a mildly unhealthy love of working... but at least I’m enjoying my work! :P

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again at some point- I'm extremely fortunate to be where I am.  There are any number of things in my life that could be different, that could make it slightly less enjoyable, or that could be the difference between being exhausted and being burnt out.  I'm incredibly lucky that my lab was looking for a UROP when I was looking for a lab to UROP in, and that the grad student I'm currently working with agreed to work with me when the postdoc I had been working with left the lab to do other ridiculously cool things.  I'm lucky that I followed the other seniors on my floor to dinner when we were freshmen, and that we're still friends now.  I'm lucky that the new members of our floor are so awesome.  I'm lucky that I'm at MIT, that I went to my high school, that I rowed, that my family supported me through all of my craziness.  And at the moment, I'm lucky that I'm just exhausted and not burnt out.  Here's to staying that way until my 23rd birthday (which, knowing me, I'll spend working again... I'm cool like that).


source: www.thelawstudentswife.com

Healthy Ham and Cheese Casserole with Apples and Sage
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 55 minutes
Yield: Serves 6-8
A healthy version of a baked ham and cheese pasta casserole with apples and sage that is just as comforting as the original. Your entire family will love this dish, and it makes great leftovers too!
Ingredients
    For the Pasta:
  • 1 pound whole wheat penne
  • 12 ounces diced ham (I used thickly sliced Virginia ham from our deli)
  • 3 medium sweet apples, cored and cut into 1/2-inch dice (I used Gala)
  • 1/2 cup loosely packed fresh sage leaves, thinly sliced, dived
  • For the Sauce
  • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
  • 1 small yellow onion, chopped
  • 3 teaspoons garlic
  • 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 1/2 cups non-fat milk
  • 1/4 cup half and half
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/2 cup plain non-fat Greek yogurt
  • 1 cup freshly grated sharp white cheddar cheese
  • For the Bread Crumb Topping:
  • 3/4 cup Panko bread crumbs
  • 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
Directions
  1. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Add the pasta to the water and cook until al dente, according to package directions. Drain and set aside. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F, and lightly grease a 9x13 or similar baking dish.
  2. Melt the butter in a Dutch oven or similar large, deep pot over medium heat. Add the onion and sauté until beginning to soften, about 6 minutes. Sprinkle in the flour and garlic, then cook whisking often, until the flour is golden brown, about 2 minutes. Gradually pour in milk, whisking constantly, then the half and half. Continue to cook until the sauce simmers and thickens, about 7 minutes. Remove from heat, then stir in the salt and nutmeg, then the Greek yogurt, cheddar, and 1/2 the total amount of sage. Add the drained pasta, apples and ham, toss gently to coat, then transfer to the prepared baking dish.
  3. Combine the bread crumbs and olive oil in a small bowl and sprinkle over the top of the pasta. Cover the dish with foil, then bake for 10 minutes covered, then uncover and bake 10 additional minutes, until the crumbs are golden and the pasta is hot and bubbly. If necessary, turn your broiler to high to finishing browning the crumbs, watching them carefully so that they do not burn. Remove baked pasta from the oven, sprinkle with remaining sage, and serve.

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